Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
dictator is short for richard potato
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.