Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
You Might Also Like
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.