Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.