Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
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Herpes is trending, good job people
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
True statement👍😏😁
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.