@captainkalvis

wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall

me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!

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@amishschool

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@SnarkyMommy78

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

@Gupton68

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

@silence__kit

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

@Marlebean

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

@TheAlexP

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

@PlainTravis

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

@AnOrangeSNES

Amazon review: Amazon river
?????

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

@mattZillaaaa

I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30