[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
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Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
The government even made aliens boring
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.