THEM: what a lovely Thanksgiving. did u enjoy urself
wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall
me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Amazon review: Amazon river
DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30