@PhuckinCody

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should’ve called the fire department

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@rockymomax

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

@ImaFlyontheWall

Fun Prank: When someone wakes from a coma, have everyone dressed in medieval clothes and welcome them back from “The Sleeping Disease”

@NewDadNotes

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

@NutttyV

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

@Daveastated

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!