wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!


ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should’ve called the fire department

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ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer


Fun Prank: When someone wakes from a coma, have everyone dressed in medieval clothes and welcome them back from “The Sleeping Disease”


Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.


I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..


You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!