WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
How do horror writers compete with current events?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Jupiter
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.