Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”