Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…