Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.