Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
crochet youtube is brutal
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.