Cashier: your total is only 4 bucks
Me: *taking back the 5th deer* whoops, my bad
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
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the spice girls: tell me what you want what you really really want
you, dumb: to be your lover
me, smart: a dirtbike
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
I have a book to read on
I bought it in 2007.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I really really really really clearly am not a PC type of gal but I’m a little weirded out at the oriental dressing option on my flight