@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

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@Divergentmama

Cashier: your total is only 4 bucks

Me: *taking back the 5th deer* whoops, my bad

@NOTVIKING

the spice girls: tell me what you want what you really really want

you, dumb: to be your lover

me, smart: a dirtbike

@ClichedOut

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

@iwearaonesie

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

@Book_Krazy

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

@SteveKoehler22

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

@MandiAtRandom

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

@chrissyteigen

I really really really really clearly am not a PC type of gal but I’m a little weirded out at the oriental dressing option on my flight