Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
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Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers