@Brianhopecomedy

*wife phones*

“Hi!”

“Hi! Did you clean the house?”

“Uhh…YUP!”

“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”

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@stephanidek

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

@xLiserx

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

@jonnysun

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

@lasergirl70

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

@Losephine

If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.

@PhilJamesson

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.

@HeidiGolightly

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?