*wife phones*


“Hi! Did you clean the house?”


“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”

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waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food


Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.


It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.


me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.


You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector


hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal


My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.