@Brianhopecomedy

*wife phones*

“Hi!”

“Hi! Did you clean the house?”

“Uhh…YUP!”

“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”

You Might Also Like

@seancehat

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

@uccjeb

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

@BradBroaddus

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

@OrdinaryAlso

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

@perfectsweeties

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

@XplodingUnicorn

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.