@calluptome
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
@Brianhopecomedy
*wife phones*
“Hi!”
“Hi! Did you clean the house?”
“Uhh…YUP!”
“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
“Yes, about 2 hours.”
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@calluptome
@seancehat
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
@sweet_pea707
Me: Siri, how do I look?
Siri: Well, at least you tried
@uccjeb
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
@BradBroaddus
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
@OrdinaryAlso
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
@NicestHippo
An issue that will unite all Americans
@envydatropic
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
@perfectsweeties
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
@XplodingUnicorn
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.