If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
“Hi! Did you clean the house?”
“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
“Yes, about 2 hours.”
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waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: Siri, how do I look?
Siri: Well, at least you tried
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
An issue that will unite all Americans
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.