@stephanidek
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
@Brianhopecomedy
*wife phones*
“Hi!”
“Hi! Did you clean the house?”
“Uhh…YUP!”
“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
“Yes, about 2 hours.”
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@stephanidek
@xLiserx
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
@jonnysun
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
@chanelsprinkles
*illegally downloads a social life*
@lasergirl70
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
@Losephine
If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.
@PhilJamesson
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
@josePhDhoran
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
@Tw1tter_K1tten
Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.
@HeidiGolightly
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?