*wife phones*


“Hi! Did you clean the house?”


“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”

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Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too


*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*


Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science


Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.


If you’re reading this fortune cookie, I am being held at the Golden Dragon Dumpling Outlet against my will. Send help.


dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes


Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.


Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?


I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?