Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
do u think theres a butter planet?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.