Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
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Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Just grow your own
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally