Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
A dad and his duck
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Not today. 😅