WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
You Might Also Like
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Customize Your Wedding.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy