Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
we all know this pain all too well
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.