wife: please don’t take everything so literal at my work party


me: it’s warm in here

wife’s boss: tell me something I don’t know

me: many ppl think the witches in salem were burned to death but they were all hanged

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My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.


An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!


We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol


Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.


Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing


COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…


I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”


Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.


A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.