WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

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I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.


How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”


A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.


GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”


Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!


Wife: how was the doctor?

Me: bad I’m dying

Wife: I know, how was the doctor?


Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let’s-a go!
Wife: You’re doing Mario
Me: Sorry
Wife: I didn’t say stop