no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Wife: how was the doctor?
Me: bad I’m dying
Wife: I know, how was the doctor?
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let’s-a go!
Wife: You’re doing Mario
Wife: I didn’t say stop