Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
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What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.