WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
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(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad