@Brampersandon_

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

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@SamGrittner

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

@lisaxy424

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

@adamjest

*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*

@capnwatsisname

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

@cravin4

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

@donni

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

@briangaar

Whenever people are like “We need to restore traditional values to this country” I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake

@KizerBillhelm

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.