If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
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I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.