Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Skills
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.