Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
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“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Name another movie that mislead you?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.