@KeetPotato

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

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@rockymomax

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

@EyeSeeYou619

If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.

@ankles_so_weak

Beatles: Help! I need somebody

me: *runs up to help*

Beatles: Not just anybody

me: 🙁

@theroyaltramp

You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.

@GrantTanaka

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

@AGStr8upNinja

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

@pixelatedboat

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake