ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
You Might Also Like
If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.
Beatles: Help! I need somebody
me: *runs up to help*
Beatles: Not just anybody
You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake