WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
fourth time’s the charm
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?