wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

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Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies


I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever


She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”


The number one cause of depression in people over 30 is hearing co-workers resentfully sing, “Happy Birthday” just to get cake.


Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water


Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.


I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.


Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?


*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.


In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”