wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
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I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?