[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
You Might Also Like
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*