@murrman5

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

@3sunzzz

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

@BuckyIsotope

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

@chicnlil1

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

@daneZie

*gets caught breaking into used car lot*
*desperately attempts to blend in with inflatable arm flailing tube men*

@KylePlantEmoji

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

@SarcasticSadOne

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

@NamestartswithZ

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

@GrandadJFreeman

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!