wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*