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@iinkedZombie: Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
@sfreeze6: [HR office]
HR: you know why you're here, right?
HR: you can't "contract" Down's Syndrome & you can't call in sick with it
@BlackCatBettie: I'm really bad at portioning uncooked pasta...so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
@AnitaHelmet: Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
@97Vercetti: i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
@mommajessiec: Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.