Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
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*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’