@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

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@VocabuLarry

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

@ohen39

[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.

@UGotMeRight

If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.

@samdunsiger

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

@NotKarma

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

@Browtweaten

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

@Marlebean

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

@sock_holliday

‘Winter Wonderland’ is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later

@Social_Mime

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.