Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

You Might Also Like


I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”


Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.


Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.


I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”


Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.


when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour


[cute girl slides me note]

Do you like me? Yes or No

[I slide note back]

Are you a robot? Circle all the traffic lights


It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.


Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.