Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

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Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.


[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.


If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.


If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.


My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison


Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom


good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich


“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?


(I begin to cry)


‘Winter Wonderland’ is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later


Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.