@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

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@abbygov

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

@DaddyJew

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

@BrandonVine

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

@Parkerlawyer

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

@vangobot

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

@cottoncandaddy

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

@noodlegrip

[cute girl slides me note]

Do you like me? Yes or No

[I slide note back]

Are you a robot? Circle all the traffic lights

@GNCordova

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.