@ArfMeasures

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

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@Darlainky

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

@freudianscript

My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’

@AnOrangeSNES

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

@roxiqt

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

@twylaredsun

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.

@michaelianblack

Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

@SummerSongGirl

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

@HallpassCanada

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

@goeatcake

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”