[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
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Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
ACED my prostate exam!
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.