[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
You Might Also Like
My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”
[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”