*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?


I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.


Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.


Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.


when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad


It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…


You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.


one time in an oral argument the other guy made a latin legal joke I didn’t get, but the judge didn’t get it either so he just sounded like a moron while being smarter than both of us