Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”
Well. My dog’s not on Twitter. Obvs she’s smarter than me.
You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.