@Jmboyd58

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

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@TrueTorontoGirl

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

@iAmDelFreaky

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

@TheDizzyBeauty

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

@CrazyUncIeJoe

I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”

@OctopusCavemann

You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.

@Papa_Mex

Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…

@weinerdog4life

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.