Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TrueTorontoGirl

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

@iAmDelFreaky

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

@TheDizzyBeauty

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

@CrazyUncIeJoe

I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”

@ShellHasDragons

Well. My dog’s not on Twitter. Obvs she’s smarter than me.

@obviousplant_

Catering service

@OctopusCavemann

You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.

@Bandersnaaatch

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

@Papa_Mex

Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn’t want to go to the store…

@weinerdog4life

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.