@Jmboyd58
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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@ericsshadow
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
@SeaGlassSiren
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
@e4moji
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
@daddydoubts
Me: what was your best day ever?
3yo: today!
Me: awww awesome. And what was your worst day ever?
3yo: today.
Me: but I thought today was your best day ever.
3yo: that was before you started asking so many questions.
@desi_princess
Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.
@bornmiserable
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
@not_thenanny
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
@HenpeckedHal
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
@BoogTweets
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY