[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
You Might Also Like
Bam! Problem solved
[guy who’s about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.
WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.
Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I’m saying to you.