@amishschool

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

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@shutupmikeginn

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@LindaInDisguise

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

@ericsshadow

ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.

@EliTerry

WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.

@FuckabillyRex

Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.

@SteveSuckington

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

@TheTweetOfGod

Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I’m saying to you.