Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
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Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak