Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
4: can we name the baby Yoko?
Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name
4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Witnessed the best party exit of my life yesterday: an adult told the six-year-old, “I like your unicorn backpack.” The girl paused on the steps and, without even casting a backwards glance, said, “Maybe you can get one someday.” Then she disappeared through the doggy door
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars