Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
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When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
More like Kate Missington.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Wait a minute
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!