They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
You Might Also Like
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
ME: When do we–oh
If it weren’t for smoke detectors, I’d never know when my food was ready.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines
DAD: What happened to your car?
SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.
DAD: There’s no going back now
“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us
~~The crew of the Apollo-G