@iwearaonesie

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

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@buck4itt

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

@ThisOneSayz

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

@kfoagkfoag

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

@N0pantz

If it weren’t for smoke detectors, I’d never know when my food was ready.

@Laser_Cat

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

@BeeBabs

Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines

@Sickayduh

DAD: What happened to your car?

SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.

DAD: Well…

SON: Don’t-

DAD: There’s no going back now

@Shock_Monster

“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”

– Twitter

@Contwixt

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

@Home_Halfway

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G