If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
You Might Also Like
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Jude: hey there
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.