wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

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If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.


Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)


*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.


Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”


People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.


Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’


cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*


I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.


Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.