*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
You Might Also Like
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
God, I love Scotland
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?