A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
You Might Also Like
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.