He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you
Me: Apology accepted
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Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit
A penguin sits next to you on a plane to Toledo you let him have the window seat but he ends up holding his goddamn fins out the whole time singing I’m like a bird by Nelly Furtado
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”