T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you
Me: Apology accepted
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Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
There’s a section of my fridge/freezer devoted to ageing things I bought because the free sample in the supermarket was quite tasty.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline