@OctopusCaveman

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

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@HomeWithPeanut

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

@Hello_Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@Reverend_Scott

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

@AndreyasAsylum

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

@pmann555

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

@HomeProbably

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

@NotOnTheMoors

There’s a section of my fridge/freezer devoted to ageing things I bought because the free sample in the supermarket was quite tasty.

@AnOrangeSNES

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

@hellohappy_time

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline