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@OctopusCaveman: Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you
Me: Apology accepted
@theshamingofjay: If you pronounce coupon like qpon I hope you get eaten by a qgar
@briangaar: Republicans: Don't let Syrians in!
Trump: Don't let ANY Muslims in!
Republicans: TOO FAR (dude be cool, we’ve got an election to win)
@TheTweetOfGod: Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
@QuinOShea: When my wife said let's do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I'm a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
@online_rat: sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade