Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

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He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.


Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.


My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.


“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.


[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?


GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit


A penguin sits next to you on a plane to Toledo you let him have the window seat but he ends up holding his goddamn fins out the whole time singing I’m like a bird by Nelly Furtado


Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.


Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.


I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”