Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.