Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Still my favorite headline of all time:
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”