Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me: What’s wrong?
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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My Ex? Yea I’d still hit that………WITH A CAR
The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.
“Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.