Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
When someone says you are so lazy
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.