@slimmy_shady

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

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@chaddaniels34

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

@E_lok44

Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?

@Donna_McCoy

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

@JasonLastname

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

@DurtMcHurtt

[laying on the hood of a car, gazing at the stars]

I bet zebras make piano sounds when you pet them.

@Freudianscript

People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.

@Shawn_spree

Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.

@SteveHofstetter

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.