Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
*limbos away from your hug*
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da