Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.


*Ouija board begins spelling*
“Ooooh, spooky”
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”


Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second


Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.


My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)


Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.


us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour


I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in