Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

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Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.


So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.


When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.


My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.


Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??


Flew out of top hat.
Flew out of limousine.
Flew out of church.
-Dove Resume


[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!


Cat: Tomato Tomahto


[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.


ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like


If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.