Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
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So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.
My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Flew out of top hat.
Flew out of limousine.
Flew out of church.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?