Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
okay run it by me one more time
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black