@KentWGraham

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

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@trevso_electric

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

@crylenol

*Ouija board begins spelling*
H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E
“Ooooh, spooky”
G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”

@thatdutchperson

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

@mjkspeaks

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

@veggiefemme

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

@RickAaron

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

@imteddybless

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

@debon7

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

@OrangeFact

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point