Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
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how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Doctors texting each other.