Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
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Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
#Caturday
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.