WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
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Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
*limbos away from your hug*
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.