WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
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Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren鈥檛 you answering my DM?!
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I鈥檓 pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you鈥檙e not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I鈥檝e hired her as my personal assistant
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
john denver: 馃幍life is old there. older than the trees.馃幎
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 馃幍younger than the mountains馃幎
me: oh not that old then.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i鈥檓 sorry sir but we don鈥檛 actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.