@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

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@JB4Realz

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

@yaseen_moi

I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.

@abbycohenwl

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

@generalslug

love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it’s a largemouth bass

@TuSoonShakur

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

@JasonLastname

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

@perlhack

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

@blondecalamity

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

@hayes_t_r

Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.

Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.