I’ll eat when I’m dead
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
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Libra: You wake up fastened to a wooden stake. People in goat masks are dancing around a bonfire. We’ll be honest. Things don’t look good.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market
an unmuted programmer on the zoom call: CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACKCLACKCLACK
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn’t mean I’m going to do it again. You’re coming across as desperate.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?