WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

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HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.


I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.


Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long


love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it’s a largemouth bass


[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!



nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?


Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.


[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*


Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.


INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine


Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.

Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.