Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
You Might Also Like
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
emergency phone
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong